


I Wonder if I Ever Cross Your Mind

by faithinthepoor



Series: Glee [27]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 18:36:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1951833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during The Sue Sylvester Superbowl Shuffle</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wonder if I Ever Cross Your Mind

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows [I’m Not That Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640810), [It Sucks to be Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640836), [Kiss Me Goodbye](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640850), [We All Have Sorrow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640862), [I’m Not Myself Lately](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640884), [I Ain’t the Worst You’ve Ever Seen](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640900), [I Know That I’ve Got Issues](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640908), [You’ll Never See What You’ve Done to Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641365), [Everyone Must Stand Alone](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641370), [I Should Be Happy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641377), [Every Now and Then I Fall Apart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641387), [I Wish That I Had Jesse’s Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641391), [I Dreamed That God Would Be Forgiving](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641394), [I Don’t Want To Be Friends](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641401), [I’m a Loser Baby](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641414), [I Sometimes Wish I’d Never Been Born At All](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641422), [I Don’t Wanna Think Anymore](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951407), [I Am Stronger Than Yesterday](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951449), [Can You Hear Me Praying?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951482), [If I Lost You Would I Cry?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951506), [I’ve Got to Keep Control](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951545), [I’m Living a Teenage Dream](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951581), [I'm Like, Forget You](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951644), [My Eyes Will See Only You](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951707), [Stop Making a Fool Out of Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951761) and [Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951788)

As her lips make contact with Finn her mind tells her that this is all wrong. This is not who she should be kissing. This is not going forward in her life, or even treading water, this is hurtling backwards at the speed of light. However wrong it may be what it isn’t is terrible. She wants to hate the kiss but she can’t. Instead she has to settle for hating the fact that she is embracing what is known and safe. This isn’t who she wants to be but as she draws back from Finn, and notices his closed eyes, she starts to think that maybe it’s all she is going to get and that it’s better than nothing.

She walks away and wishes she could pretend that it didn’t happen. It would be nice to deny responsibility but it is clearly all her fault. She was waiting for Finn and she is the one who initiated the kiss. None of it makes sense to her but there is no ignoring the fact that it happened. Maybe the zombie makeup they had to wear was lead based and has poisoned her brain because there is just no way that she have done any of this.

Now that the kiss, that should be the product of her nightmares, has occurred she is forced to think about what could have possibly brought her to this point. She decides, as she so often does, that this has everything to do with Rachel Berry. It’s not as though things fell apart after Christmas but they didn’t run smoothly either. It seems that once the magic of the moment wore off it was hard to escape the fact that they hadn’t addressed their issues. They weren’t together and yet they sort of were. Quinn had been certain that their state of limbo was only temporary and that it was just a matter of time before they fixed things but it seems that life had other plans.

It is clear to Quinn that Rachel is not over Finn. That is not why Quinn kissed him though, well at least it’s the only reason that she kissed him. It hurts to think that that she shared a moment with Rachel that she thought was truly special and that in the back of Rachel’s mind she might have still been plotting ways to ensnare Finn. Rachel hasn’t said as much, she hasn’t had to, the little Lady Antebellum number that she did with Puck said everything. Quinn would like to be able to think it was a case of a lady protesting too much but she knows that song wasn’t a cover-up and it wasn’t sung for her, it was for Finn.

Many things about Rachel singing for Finn upset her. It is clear that Rachel still harbours feelings for Finn or at least harbours a desire to be with him and if Rachel is willing to perform for Finn like that it makes Quinn worry about what else Rachel is doing to try and get him back. She wonders if her special Christmas moment was really all that special. Perhaps Rachel was also gifting Finn and making him feel like he mattered. There is also the fact that Rachel sang with Puck. They had clearly practiced the number and that suggests alone time yet Rachel never mentioned it to Quinn which raises the possibility that there are many other things that she didn’t mention. It also raises the question of why didn’t Rachel tell Quinn about it? Normally you can’t stop Rachel discussing her upcoming numbers. Was it about Finn or about Puck? Because God knows that Rachel has a history with both of them. It really worries her that, despite all of her concerns around the meaning of the song and its origins, she couldn’t stop herself lighting up the way she does each and every time she sees Rachel sing.

She so didn’t need this Rachel related drama right now. She had more than enough Sue Sylvester related drama to be dealing with without Rachel throwing her hand into the mix. Having Sue as a couch was becoming impossibly demanding and very draining. Quinn doesn’t know what Sue was smoking when she made her made for television movie about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders but she obviously smoked a whole lot of it because there is no other way to explain how the woman could have such ire towards Santana’s implants and yet insist that they all pad their bras.

Quinn can live with having to hit herself in the face with a chicken cutlet. She can even live with Sue’s narcissism and that winning means little when compared with the game of one upmanship that she is playing with herself. Sue’s recent behaviour may mean that Quinn has to retract some of her past criticism about Schue’s attention to competition readiness; any deaths he would have caused would only have been metaphorical. This brings her to the thing that she can not tolerate - putting Brittany’s life at risk due to a foolish whim and the fact that giggling chicken cutlets don’t thrill Sue the way they once did. 

Protecting Brittany from a cannon related death seemed like a noble cause. It really shouldn’t have signified the beginning of the end. Maybe it was the way she went about saving Brittany that cursed her. She went to Schuester because she knew it would be effective. William Schuester may be the intellectual giant who believed that forcing the football team into a choir room would erode bigotry and defeat the school’s class system but when it comes to dealing with Sue Sylvester he is a reasonable ally to have on board. At the end of the day hatred gets things done and Sue’s longstanding mistreatment of Schue worked firmly in Quinn’s favour.  
Well at least it should have worked in her favour. Her plan had seemed flawless but the ripple effect of recruiting Mr Schue to her cause ended up causing a tsunami destined to drown Quinn. 

When Sue countered Quinn’s move by rescheduling the cheerleading competition Quinn had failed to recognise that gravity of this situation. She didn’t really see how this would affect her but she had clearly failed to see the full picture. Apparently in the world of glee club it had suddenly become unacceptable to consider participating in a serious competition for sport that you have dedicated a frighteningly large period of your life to at least not if the alternative is performing a half-time show, based on an outdated viral video, for a high school football game. 

She respects Bieste, at least she tries to, and she is happy the McKliney High football team are no longer spectacular losers but she really resents being made to feel that a football game is the most important thing in the world. The Cheerios were there supporting the Titans on their why to inevitable defeat week in and week out and now that they are winning that suddenly counts for nothing. The Cheerios may be led by a maniacal egomaniac who has no concerns for their safety but there is no denying Sue Sylvester’s success record. The current attitude of the school seems to suggest that cheer squad’s six successive national titles are irrelevant and that their only real purpose is to serve the football team.

The non-Glee club members of the Titans may form the core of the bully population at McKliney but a lot of the time Quinn thinks she should be proud that they have managed to work out how to use the slushie machine. They come into the choir room and make jokes about Puck being a woman and refuse to work with the glee club in a manner that suggests that they have forgotten that they once danced to Beyonce in order to win a game. She doesn’t really have a lot of time for them and their goldfish memories and can’t see why it would even be a question as to whether she would be attending their game or going to her competition. The reverse certainly was never considered – no one even raised the possibility that the glee club should be supporting that trio of cheerleaders in their mist rather than the performing for the football team.

Most people seemed to accept that she would choose The Cheerios but it was they way they let that be known that upset Quinn. She guesses what she really means is that it was the way that Rachel let that be known that upset her. One minute Rachel is calling the football team homophobes and refusing to work with them and then all of a sudden she is pissed off over the possibility that Quinn would choose the Cheerios over said homophobes. The amount of venom Rachel that put into that assumption was unwarranted and Quinn doesn’t understand where it came from. She could accept it if this was at least something that actually mattered to the glee club but that clearly wasn’t the case. The only conclusion that Quinn can possibly draw from Rachel’s behaviour is that it was all about a need to support Finn.

It’s confusing because, despite the complications and the existence of Finn, she honestly believed that Rachel was the one that really saw her. Now she thinks maybe she just needed to be seen and convinced herself that was what was happening. At least now she knows the truth, she knows that Rachel does not believe in her. The realisation left her feeling completely alone and allowed Finn to blindside her with his over the top gesture when he showed up to recruit them for the halftime show.

She shouldn’t have been swayed so easily, she fought hard to reclaim her place on the squad and she shouldn’t have given it up because she somehow blamed Sue for the things that Rachel said. Finn stood there offering the faith in her that Rachel lacked and she was unable to stop herself from clinging to it. Now that it’s done she is not sure that she can face the consequences of her decision. It all seemed so dramatic and important at the time but now it just feels a whole lot like settling.

It’s nice that Finn thinks she can be and do more but he’s not the one she wishes thought that about her. He’s not the one who is meant to make her feel special and even as she kisses him she knows that, in the long run, there is no way he can make her happy. Going back to Finn means letting all of them down – Rachel, herself, even Finn but she can’t seem to make herself care. She might have betrayed Sue but Quinn understands Sue more than she would like to because she knows that sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to feel something.


End file.
